just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
