Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
