everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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