I hate your face
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
