A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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