So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
