just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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