Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
