Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize