can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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