My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
