I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
