So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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