if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
