I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
