I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
