Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
