I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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