Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
