i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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