Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize