why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
