Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
