Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
