i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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