You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
