Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
