The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
