There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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