I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
