My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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