I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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