If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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