I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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