they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
