I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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