my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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