So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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