Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
