i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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