So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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