I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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