If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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