I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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