Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
