I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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