forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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