you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
worst night to have a conscience
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
