He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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