I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
