I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize