SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
its liver damage thursday
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