Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
