How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
