Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize